Last week I wrote an analysis of the Blizzard/WoW Glider case, which got a decent amount of press on the mainstream games sites and led to an awesome debate/flame war/hilarity in the comments to my original post – see here.
One (anonymous) poster wrote up a tongue-in-cheek script for what might have happened in the courtroom, which I liked so much I decided to post it properly below. Enjoy – and if you’re the writer of this piece of genius, let me know for credit….
Blizz: …So in conclusion, please order Michael “Mike” Donnelly to shut down Glider, and also buy us all Yachts. Cuz really, that’s what we were gonna do with it anyway. Either that, or nerf rogues.
Judge: I hate rogues too! B*ggers always gank me when I’m afk taking a leak…
Blizz: Well, we DID nerf stealth by making it MUCH easier to detect. Obviously there were complaints, but PR’s got it covered with the usual run-around.
Judge: Oh sh*ts, I know SOMEONE who’s gonna win a lawsuit if they’d keep a certain class from ever stealthing aga-
Mike: Uh, your honor?
Judge: shut up, Mikey Mike. I’m talking business here. So anyway, this one time I was THIS CLOSE to getting that peacebloom, when I hear that WOOOO, ya know? And then I-
Mike: Your honor, the case?
Judge: FINE, but you BETTER make it a good one, I’m one global away from swinging my Gravel of Justice in favor of Blizz here.
Mike: Thank you, your Honor. Well, ladies and gentlemen of this “supposed” jury, Blizz would like you to believe they made my Glider program illegal. And they make a good case. Hell, I even felt pity myself! But ladies and gentlemen of this “supposed” jury, I have one final piece of evidence for you to consider…
Blizz: (Wait, isn’t this a South Park skit?)
Judge: When did that chartboard get here? Warden, did you catch that?
Warden: No, but there’s a guy in Diremaul who hasn’t logged off in 3 days straight…
Blizz: SEE?! They’re RUINING us!1!
Judge: Really? I mean, it’s just Diremaul. Honestly, have you guys actually tried to run your own instances? They really suck sometimes.
Blizz: Uh… well, we ARE in the process of streamlining the PVE content in order to re-optimize the percentage of numbers such that they increase with better lateral passing.
Phoenix Wright: OBJECTION!
Phoenix: The excuse offered by Blizz doesn’t make even the most remote logical sense! It’s just words they strung together from what little they remember during the last manager’s meeting in Vegas! Furthermore, “lateral passing” isn’t even an economics term! It’s from football!
Judge: He’s gotcha there, Blizz.
Blizz: Oh yea? Well guess what Phoenix? You just lost.
Blizzard: THE GAME! lol
Blizz: Hey! That’s OUR property there!
Mike: You know what, I give up. I had this wookie I was gonna show and everything, but seriously this is just too stupid. (morons, every one of them)
Judge: You heard the man, he sai- wait.
Judge: … did he say he had a wookie to show us?
Mike: (Oh, God…)
God: I LOVE WOOKIES
Blizz: STOP IT! God, make him stop! He’s stealing our stuffs!
God: MAN WAS ORIGINALLY SUPPOSED TO BE WOOKIES
Judge: Really? What happened?
Judge: Fair point.
Mike: For the love of… you, please just get me out of here. I can’t take this any more.
God: I CANNOT DO THAT HERE
Mike: I know I’m gonna regret this, but… why not, God?
God: I AM OVERBURDENED
Blizz: lol! He’s doing the D2 Barb lines!
Judge: lol! His voice is perfect for it too! Do the A1Q1 quest completion line!
God: THE ROGUES ARE SAFE FOR THE MOMENT
Mike: Fuck it. I’ll see you all in appeals. /camp
God: ACTUALLY YOU’LL SEE ME IN 1 DAY 17 HOURS 1 MINUTE 0 SECONDS
Judge: Is that… is that when he’s going to die?
God: NO THAT’S WHEN I RENEW MY WOW SUBSCRIPTION
Blizz: Now THERE’S a marketing pitch! “WoW: the only game fit for God!”
God: MY SON PLAYS BEJEWLED
Blizz: we’ll talk to Popcap, make it an addon.
God: AND THE LORD SAW IT AND SAID THAT IT WAS GOOD
…And that’s how a massive lawsuit between a company and some dude brought about the addition of Bejewled into WoW.”